Prevent Divorce with these 6 skills

Networking :
Tomorrow night I am going to the Nashoba Valley Chamber of Commerce networking meeting at Shaker Hills Golf Course. I used to go to these years ago and I stopped going. I am looking to meet people who have products or services that I can blog about.  I perused the member list and have a few people I would like to meet and hope they will be there. I’ll let you know on Thursday the interesting people I met there.
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Dinner
Dan made the best dinner last night. Well, it was really a simple meal but the fish was delicious. He bought fresh cod at Donnelans (grocery store) and it was so fresh! He simply baked it with a little butter, wine, lemon and a few breadcrumbs.  He baked it for about 20 minutes and it was moist, light and flaky. We realized we didn’t have any veggies to go with it so he sautéed some cauliflower in a pan with a little bit of olive oil. That was really good too. We wouldn’t have gotten an A for a colorful dish (fish and cauliflower is the same color) but the meal was healthy and really tasty. I know many people don’t cook fish because they think it stinks up the house but when we bake it I never smell a fishy smell.  If you really don’t want to bake it in the house you can take all the ingredients and put in tin foil and grill it.  
 
Spin Class
We had an old friend in Spin class tonight. Our previous teacher, Dayna, was filling in for the night. The “regulars” were all there: Kent, Steve, Carol, Kathy and even Gail! It was like old home night. I had a really good class. My form is so much better lately and I can really feel it during, but especially after my workout. Kent gave me the thumbs up during one track and I felt like I was in good form. It has made a huge difference in my workout.

 Class Clowns:Image

Marriage

 

If you have noticed , my Blogs recently have been about all the cool things I have been doing with the girls, not Dan.

 

 It dawned on me that Dan and I need to have more fun. Ever since we got the house and a dog we seem to do less and less together. We do go on vacations together, but I mean day to day and weekends. At one time we used to ski, hike, take day trips, go out to nice dinners and go away spontaneously on weekends.

 

Now we walk the dog and go to Tinys.

 

I spoke with several other people about this and they say the same about their marriage. Weekends go by and they didn’t really do much. I know this is not uncommon but I don’t think we should settle for it either. I wrote a few weeks ago about taking time for yourself but we also need to do the same with our spouses. It’s easy to get side tracked from having fun and spending time together, especially as your parents, kids and yourself age! I know I am more tired now on Friday nights than I used to be and staying in sounds better than going out.

 

My coach had sent this to her class last fall- I forget why, but I thought the points were rally good to remember.
 
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Divorce is like tooth decay: totally preventable for a woman with the right skills and habits. Unfortunately most women didn’t have good relationship role-models. We are largely the product of single parents, broken homes or marriages that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy — the equivalent of learning oral care from parents with false teeth.

We aren’t born with the skills to foster intimacy, passion and peace anymore than we’re born with a Sonicare and good flossing habits. Fortunately, any woman can learn intimacy skills and use them to create trust, tenderness and connection.

Here are the six proven intimacy skills your mother never taught you that lead to satisfying, lifelong love:

Skill #1: Do at Least Three Things a Day for Your Own Pleasure

There’s a direct correlation between your self-care and your level of tolerance for your husband. Self-care is a profound act for opening the door to intimacy. Relationships require patience and compassion, but if you’re tired, frazzled or undernourished, you give yours little chance of thriving. Self-care — focusing on your own pleasure — takes the pressure off your husband to make you happy (he can’t anyway). Your good mood also signals to him that he can succeed in delighting you, which inspires him to want to do just that. By treating ourselves well, we also teach other people how to treat us. Having fun every day is not only critical for a satisfying romance, it’s part of a life well-lived.

Skill #2: Relinquish Control of People You Can’t Control

“Helpful” in wife language is controlling in husband language. When you correct your man’s driving or what he wears or does at work, you’re saying he’s not competent. That unwitting criticism is an attack and pushes intimacy away no matter how well-meaning your comment. Intimacy needs safety and encouragement to thrive, and vanishes with criticism. Take a step back and trust him to run his own life without any help from you, and watch him take a step forward and start acting like the man you fell in love with.

Skill #3: Receive Gifts, Compliments and Help Graciously

Receiving is the opposite of rejecting. When your husband gives you something that’s not what you had in mind, receive it anyway by saying, “You’re so thoughtful. Thank you.” Deflecting a gift or a compliment is rejecting the giver and the emotional connection you could have had. When your husband offers to bathe the kids, accept his help graciously no matter how imperfectly he does it. Rejecting a gift, compliment or help greatly reduces the quality of your marriage and your life. Receive graciously and watch as more gifts start coming your way almost immediately.

Skill #4: Respect The Man You Chose

Being respectful will resurrect the man you fell in love with. You’re too smart to have married a dumb guy, so if he seems dumb now, it’s because you’re focused on his shortcomings. It’s not that you made a mistake in marrying him, it’s that you’ve been focused on his mistakes since you married him. A man who feels respected by the woman who knows him best also feels self-respect, which is far more attractive than cowering and hostility.

Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don’t dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won’t do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with — so much so that you married him.

Skill #5: Express Gratitude Three Times Daily

Gratitude has magical powers. It turns an ordinary meal into a feast, an average relationship into a lifelong romance and an ordinary husband into your hero.

I used to be reluctant to thank my husband for anything because I thought that I was doing more anyway and it was unfair because he wasn’t thanking me. I was also afraid he would stop doing the things I thanked him for and consider them optional, but I was wrong. Today I thank him for washing dishes, replacing light bulbs and working hard at his business. The more grateful I am for what he does, the more inspired he is to do things I appreciate, which makes me feel cherished and adored. The same will happen for you when you practice expressing gratitude.

Another bonus: You can’t be grateful and resentful at the same time.

Skill #6: Strive to be Vulnerable

Intimacy and vulnerability are directly connected. If you want intimacy, then you’ll need to take the risk of admitting that you’re lonely, embarrassed or hurt. This is not the same as weakness; it actually requires great strength.

When you’re vulnerable you don’t care about being right, you’re just open and trusting enough to say “I miss you” instead of “you never spend time with me.” It means you simply say, “ouch!” when he’s insensitive instead of retaliating. That vulnerability completely changes the way he responds to you.

Vulnerability is not only attractive, it’s the only way to get to that incredible feeling of being loved just the way you are by someone who knows you well. There’s nothing like the joy of intimacy that results from vulnerability. It really is worth dropping the burden of being an efficient, overscheduled superwoman to have it.

If your mother didn’t teach you these six skills, maybe she didn’t know them, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to have the same outcome in your relationship. An intimate, passionate, peaceful relationship is not a matter of luck-it’s a matter of skill and good habits, just like maintaining those pearly whites.

For more detailed instructions on how to practice these intimacy skills, get the free 17-page ebook Six Lessons that Lead to Lifelong Love at lauradoyle.org

Question of the day: Do you need to learn any of these 6 skills?

http://www.fabinyour40s.com

 

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